The Importance of Forgiveness
There are many things in life that the individual is born with the ability to accomplish. For some it may take more effort than it does for others but with perseverance it can be done. For example, one must learn to walk. Though it may be difficult and many times result in falling, the rewards outweigh the temporary pain of a bruise. Even after learning to walk, one can still trip from time to time but it doesn’t negate the necessity of walking. The very act moves a person from one place to another, giving freedom and self reliance. When that ability is lost, accommodations must be made to work around that fact, sometimes making transportation difficult. Forgiveness is similar is many ways. A child may begin with the ability to forgive small trespasses and may indeed practice that, but the true test comes when he or she trips and feels pain. What happens next? When one can’t see the positive outcome of an action he or she might be less inclined to continue on that course. Forgiveness can lend itself to healing in one’s life by letting go of the past and moving on, but some would argue the validity of that statement. Is forgiveness really for everyone? What is to be gained from it? Does forgiveness replace consequence? How does one accomplish forgiveness or even know when he or she has? Academics in psychology have been studying this topic for some time, analyzing the causes and effects of forgiveness (Rick 1). Before going any further though, the first question must be asked. What is forgiveness?
Dictionary.com states that to ‘forgive’ someone is to do one of the following:
1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
2. to cease to feel resentment against; to forgive one’s enemies.
It seems easy enough to understand yet many people struggle with the implications that forgiveness can have in their lives. A young man in Iowa lost his life due to a fist fight with another man who had a history of criminal assaults. While the victim’s mother forgave the offender who claims it was an accident, the judge in the trial was reported saying, “I’m giving you the longest prison term I can give you. You took a man’s life, there’s a cost, a price to be paid. I believe you are sorry but neither you nor I will be able to help the Davises with the burden they will now have to bear” (Mehaffey 1). In that example, even though the mother forgave the man for killing her son, consequences still ensued. For some people, forgiveness is not an option and they feel the need to invoke justice themselves. This is called revenge and is the opposite of forgiveness. While vengeance can be satisfying at first, it can bring out the worst in people. In the classic novel, The Count of Monte Cristo, the character of Edmond Dantes has everything but his very life stripped away from him, including the woman he loved. He spent many years formulating a plan to get back at the men who stole everything from him. In the end, he got his revenge but lost more than he dreamed. “‘Look, Edmond Dantes!’ said Villefort, pointing to the dead bodies of his wife and son. ‘Are you satisfied with your vengeance?’ Monte Cristo turned pale at the frightful sight. Realizing that he had passed beyond the bounds of vengeance, he felt he could no longer say: ‘God is for me and with me’” (Dumas 593). Revenge is born of an injustice in the mind and grows to an intense dislike or even hatred of the person for what they did. In the book, Five Steps to Forgiveness, the author quotes Emerson Fosdick, “Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat” (Worthington 9).
Not everyone who refuses to forgive, however, is a vengeful person. He or she might have just been wronged to the point where forgiveness might seem to be condoning the transgression. What exactly is to be gained from forgiving someone, if it’s not just letting the offender walk away without consequence? Some would say it gives peace. “My own feeling about forgiveness is…that it’s difficult, painful and costly. However, it’s potentially transformative and it liberates you from the grip of the perpetrator, from the memory of the event, or from that thing that keeps you stuck” (CLEO 1). In Jack Kornfield’s book he quotes, “Forgiveness and compassion are not sentimental or weak. They demand courage and integrity. Yet they alone can bring about the peace we long for” (8). Relationships can also be restored through forgiveness. In Forgiveness: Finding Freedom through Reconciliation, the authors state that, “The mysterious action of grace motivates and guides human desire to enter a process of healing. This process of healing will necessarily include the genuine effort of the offended and offender to come to terms with the meaning of a relational rupture in a relationship of consequence” (Clendenen and Martin 14). “This can happen in many ways. It could be that you talk to the perpetrator, or that you’re simply worn out by the pain and memories, and make a conscious decision to do something different because what you’re doing isn’t working” (CLEO 2).
Is the concept of forgiveness merely a staple in the Christian community? In Buddhism, His Holiness the Dalai Lama said in his book, The Art of Living:
I see compassion, love, and forgiveness as common ground for all different religions, irrespective of tradition or philosophy. Although there are fundamental differences between different religious ideas, such as the acceptance of an Almighty Creator, every religion teaches us the same message: be a warm hearted person. All of them emphasize the importance of compassion and forgiveness (122).
Judaism also recognizes forgiveness despite the preconception of a wrathful God. “‘Vengeance is mine,’ says the Lord. But what about the rest of us?” asks author Jonathan Rosen as he writes on grace and punishment (1). He states that though the Bible says, “an eye for an eye” (New International Version, Exodus 21:24) it’s not revenge but justice that is being referenced. The Rabbis of Talmud believe that it was a metaphor and way to measure monetarily, not a means of retribution (Rosen 1). In the Bible, Jesus speaks of forgiveness: “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times’” (New International Version, Mathew 18:21-22). His point is not that we stop forgiving people after the 77th time they offend us, but to keep forgiving without setting a limit.
What about consequences? One excuse for not wanting to forgive another person is that the offended believes that his or her forgiveness of the offense will be considered condoning the act. If there were no consequences for one’s actions then how would anyone learn when something wrong was done? A study done by psychology professor James K. McNulty revealed that in recently married couples, the partners who were forgiven for transgressions were twice as likely to transgress the next day compared to those whose spouses had taken a firmer stance (Kix 1). In the book, The Five Languages of Apology, the story of Lisa and her husband Ben was told. The two had gone through many struggles with family and moving just in their first year of marriage. The biggest setback, however, was his infidelity. Lisa said:
I felt God instructed me to forgive him and love him. I did. I reasoned that after all that we had been through, anyone could make a mistake. I freely gave my forgiveness and spoke of this affair only two more times. However, a year later he cheated with another woman. This time I gave him a hard time, and some consequences were handed out. My pastor got involved. We showed him love and mercy, and I forgave him after he said he was sorry and ‘repented’ (Chapman and Thomas 145).
She goes on to say that after eight years she woke up to a phone call one night to Ben informing her that he was in love with another woman and not coming home that night. She then changed all her locks and filed for separation with an attorney the next day. After a year’s separation, counseling, and setting healthy boundaries their marriage was finally restored (Chapman and Thomas 145). The authors go on to say that holding someone accountable for his or her behavior is an act of love in the relationship. The fact that Lisa wanted to work on the relationship afterwards showed that it was her husband she cared for and not his actions. Being able to differentiate between the person and his or her conduct will help the offended forgive the offender but not accept the offense. Even the Amish, who are notorious for their forgiving nature, understand the difference between forgiveness and exemption of consequences. In 1982, a fifty-year-old Amish woman was brutally murdered by two men, one of whom was the victim’s neighbor. A relative of the deceased said, “‘Many people were afraid that since this happened to someone Amish, we would be so willing to forgive that we wouldn’t be concerned about [the killers] being locked up.’ Such fears ‘were mistaken,’ she wrote, ‘as we were very concerned about this and certainly wanted [them] locked up and taken care of by the law” (Kraybill, Nolt, et al 79-80). One may think that it could be a better course to simply not forgive but that is not always beneficial to either party involved.
Most of us have suffered violations that seem unpardonable. Refusing to forgive seems to demonstrate our courage and wisdom-our strength, our self respect, our right to justice. The truth is, however, that refusing to forgive offers only a superficial balm for our wounds. It may give us a temporary rush of power, but it doesn’t permit a clean, measured, self-sustaining response. It doesn’t release us from our preoccupation with the offender or provide anything more than hatred to rebuild our injured pride. It gives us a veneer of protection but doesn’t really make us any less fragile or more fulfilled as human beings (Spring 49).
The final question that must be asked is how does one forgive? “Forgiveness, then, is both a process and a decision to act” (Clendenen and Martin 14). The time involved varies for each individual. While for some it could take years, for others it is instantaneous. In 1992, a five-year-old Amish boy was riding his scooter in the road when he was hit by a car and died soon after. The mother of the child said to the officer of the squad car that arrived on the scene, “‘Please take care of the boy.’ Assuming she meant her critically injured son, the officer replied, ‘The ambulance people and doctor will do the best they can. The rest is up to God.’ The mother pointed to the suspect in the back of the police car. ‘I mean the driver. We forgive him’” (Kraybill, Nolt, et al 71-72). It can be hard to comprehend forgiveness in a situation like that, much less as immediately as it took place. Did the mother not care enough about her son, was she not angry? This is where empathy comes into play. Everett Worthington, a professor and chair of psychology had to live through the terrible ordeal of his mother’s murder. Not only was he faced with the death of his mother, but he discovered the body himself. “I confess that during most of that night, forgiveness never entered my mind. But as I wrestled the covers and paced a path in the carpet, I began to ask myself questions. Could I forgive? Is it good to forgive?” (Worthington 4). Though he struggled for a while with how to handle the situation in his mind, even entertaining the thought of vengeance, he settled on the opportunity to forgive. He reached that point through empathy.
Empathy can be experienced at three levels. At the shallowest level of empathy, you understand that point of view of the other person. At the middle level of empathy, you identify emotionally with the other person; you feel with and think with the other person. At the deepest level of empathy, you feel compassion as well as emotional identification. This is called compassionate empathy. Each level adds depth to the previous level. If you want to forgive, you must achieve this compassionate empathy (Worthington 63).
One might argue that it’s difficult to empathize when the offender shows no remorse. What can
be done when the perpetrator won’t change his or her behavior? Sometimes that will happen when there is no effort to change, but there are times when the offender does realize the offense and seeks to makes things right. That process begins with guilt. “Guilt may be a proper response when one has caused offense to another and can motivate a person to seek reconciliation. In this way, guilt can be seen a major motivator in the process of seeking forgiveness” (Rick 2). A study on the motivations for seeking forgiveness concluded that, “Self regulation focused on advancement (or promotion) could motivate forgiveness through the perceived benefits to be attained by repairing a relationship” (Molden and Finkel 1). The relationship of the offended to the offender can be important enough to override any pride that could be a hindrance in the situation. In other words, humility is the next step.
“Humility,” write Robert Emmons, “is the disposition to view oneself as basically equal with any other human being even if there are objective differences in physical beauty, wealth, social skills, intelligence, or other resources….It is the ability to keep one’s talents and accomplishments in perspective, to have a sense of self acceptance, an understanding of one’s imperfections, and to be free from arrogance and low self esteem.” Without these qualities, you’re unlikely ever to forgive (Spring 43).
The next step would be to apologize. That part speaks for itself.
If the offender doesn’t complete these steps to seek forgiveness, is one still required to forgive? Forgiveness is a choice, just like every other action in an individual’s life. No one has to do anything. For Everett Worthington, he had to decide what to do about the anger he felt towards his mother’s killer. In the end he realized that he needed to forgive in order to be the person he wanted to be. He had found himself wanting to hurt the young man whose careless crime ended his mother’s life. Worthington wanted revenge and felt justified in his thoughts. After empathizing, however, “I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty. That guilt was compounded because I am a Christian. I didn’t want to act or even have motives that dishonored my deep religious convictions. I could truly sense my kinship with the youth who had done the terrible crime to my mother. We were blood brothers. I was capable of wanting to murder” (89). Being forgiven can affect the offender for more than just the time immediately following the offense. When one realizes the power of being forgiven it can change the person forever, if he or she allows it to. A seventeen-year-old named Joel Kime made a grave mistake when speeding down the road one day. He saw an Amish buggy up ahead and decided to pass it at an incredibly high speed. The buggy was making a turn as he made to pass and the newlywed bride inside lost her life that night. The family of the new widower, Aaron, invited Joel over to their home.
To his surprise, Aaron’s grandmother hugged him and expressed her forgiveness. So did Aaron’s father. It happened again when Sarah’s parents, Melvin and Barbara, put their arms around him and said, “We forgive you; we know it was God’s time for her to die.” In Kime’s words, it was “unbelievable. It was totally, absolutely amazing…. They proceeded to invite my family to come over for dinner….I cannot express the relief that floated over me” (Kraykill, Nolt, et al 73).
So how does one know forgiveness has been achieved? One woman said of her ex-boyfriend, “I held onto the hurt as if it were an integral part of who I was. It was exhausting. After years of being angry, I had to let it go. And I can finally see his side….I don’t blame him for what happened between us and I’m grateful for the time that we had….Now he’s just the guy I used to love” (CLEO 1). Being able to wish the offender well is a sign of having forgiven. Marina Cantacuzino, founder of the Forgiveness Project says, “People will tell you that, one day, they will forgive, but the next day they will hate all over again. Some people who have really embraced forgiveness as their way forward still have days when they don’t forgive, It’s not a cure; it’s a process and a choice” (CLEO 2).
A beautiful story of how forgiveness transcended pain in a relationship is displayed in the parable of the lost son. A young man decides he wants his inheritance early so he collects it from his father and foolishly spends it all. When he has nothing left, he realizes that to be a servant in his father’s household would be a better life than the one he has found himself in.
So he got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. The son said to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.” But the father said to his servants, “Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him….Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.” So they began to celebrate (New International Version, Luke 15:20-24).
Forgiveness is not simply giving someone an out for the wrong he or she has committed but sharing a gift that has most likely been given to the offended before by someone else. Forgiveness can not only heal relationships but enrich the life of the both parties, mentally and physically. Allowing oneself to move past the bonds of resentment, hatred or vengefulness opens the door for compassion, peace and reconciliation. The act of forgiveness is the key.
“Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past” (Kornfield 25). That leaves one to focus on the future which is still yet to be made.
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